and ive known for a long time some people dont necessarily not want me in their lives but its effort for them to hang out with me like im actually turning into one of those people.I think i have been this person for a while now because of fear of being right that im still the same basket case that no one really wanta to be around for that long. and its not the person that i think i am DEEP down. Im so sick of feeling sorry for myself cos i hate people that do this. I feel like i just hatwmyself but i dont really do i??? I know im a good person but cant always show it. I know im smart but dont have the drive to prove it. I know kmy morals and i know myself but everyone else doesnt i dont understand why they cant see the person i know i am . And of course thats because these are ideals i have for myself and not necessarily how i present. i know i have flaws but i wish ididnt.i ry to overcome them everyday and it just doent get better And i KNOW im writing this because i had a bad day and people were mean to me and im in some fucked dispute at workfor no reason that i didnt start but OBVIOUSLY am some how caught upin. IM SO TRIED OF iPEOPLE BEING MEAN!!!!!
i forget all the time how much i like jellyfish. they just have something about them like theyre just floating there looking pretty and like they couldnt give a shit and theyre just glowing anf im just here thinking about how i could run away but dont have the money or the courage and how i want to cry because ill always feel like a let down no matter what i do.
I dont know why im back on this site it always makes me feel like someones watching when theyre not and i cant word my thoughts properly. like how i say it doesnt justify how i feel it. Im tired of trying to keep diaries cos i lose them and someone finds them and im mean and embaressing and i dont know what i want and i dont even really know how i feel half the time. I can feel my throat welling just thinking about how i dont know myself or know what i want and i feel so little. and i feel so angry that i let myself be made feel like and that i dont use my ability how i should and how i know im not going anywehre any time soon and im just a disappointment to myself really.
